I beg for just one reason to give you regret
by thiscanbeinteresting
Summary: College AU: Dean and Castiel are roommates and best friends. Castiel keeps a secret hidden from Dean but it gets harder to keep it and he decides to finally reveal it. Rates it M for the future. Won't be anything in the beginning but it will come later of course.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **I beg for just one reason to give you regret

**Author: **Thiscanbeinteresting

**Pairing: **Dean/Cas

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **Don't think I need any warnings on this one.

**Word Count: **2,091

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately Supernatural doesn't belong to me. I'm just playing around with the characters in it.

**Summary: **College AU. Dean plans for the party this weekend and Castiel doesn't look forward to it. He wants to hook up with girls and wants Castiel to join but a secret hidden from the past is impossible to hide when he reacts strongly after Dean starts to ask questions.

**Chapter one**

_Castiel sat in his uncomfortable college bed, leaned against the headboard with his history book in his lap. Even if this room wasn't the nicest and he had to share bathroom with other students it was better than he was used to. He didn't miss home. Home was something he never wanted to give a thought. It didn't deserve it and it just was filled with his painful childhood memories. He was trying to study but not an easy task when Dean, his roommate and best friend sat on his bed on the other side of the room talking with him about whatever came to his mind. They had been roommates since he started college for a year ago and friends since then. Dean was the popular, outgoing, good looking type of guy everyone wanted to know and be with. Castiel was an awkward, shy nerd that no one knew about but he had managed waking Dean's interest in some way and they quickly got friends. They were different but Castiel thought that it was the reason why they actually became so good friend. Dean helped him through social situations that he wasn't good at. He always felt claustrophobic in crowded places but with Dean on his side he could get through it. Castiel helped Dean with different things with school. He had trouble concentrating and often missed things from class but he had Castiel that filled out the blank spots for him. They had the perfect friendship but Castiel had one secret he couldn't share. Something that was too painful for him to even think about. He was too afraid it would change the friendship they had. Dean would never look at him in the same way and it tear on him, knowing that he hid the truth from him._

Dean smiled at Castiel from his bed and tossed a tennis ball he had played around with in Castiel's head to get his attention. Castiel looked at him with a slightly frown and took the ball in his hands as it fell down on the bed.

"What are you doing, Dean?"

"Do you have someone to go with to the party this weekend?" He asked with a smirk and quickly caught the ball Castiel tossed back at him. Castiel sighed and shook his head. Of course he hadn't. He wasn't really the guy everyone wanted and he actually couldn't care less. It wasn't worth it and beside he didn't want to be intimate with someone, especially not anyone of the girls. He hated those parties that were thrown at the campus. Everyone had to go. It was just how it was and Castiel didn't like parties. "You can maybe go with me. I have a girl that I promised to go with but…" Dean sighed and chuckled. "Not really interested at all and I feel like just going alone or with a friend. So what do you say?"

"So you are just going to dump the girl like that?" Castiel snorted and felt a bit stupid. He was just an excuse for not going with the girl and how would the girl feel. He didn't want to be a part of that.

"Oh come on, man! Don't bail on me." Dean pouted and crossed his arms over his chest.

"It's more you that bail on the girl." Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes. He thought about how this girl was really excited for the date and now Dean would go and say that he didn't want to go because of course she would get disappointed when he would tell her he didn't want to go with her. She was supposed to go with Dean Winchester and that was a pretty big thing. Dean frowned and looked down on his fingers that fiddled with his shirt. Castiel sighed when he saw how Dean looked away and didn't seem so happy anymore. He didn't like to see him like that and he could almost do anything to change that. Castiel was too weak for that look for his own good. "Okay, Dean. I can come with you but only if you dump the girl nicely so it won't be any hurt feelings." Dean looked back at him and smiled big.

"Awesome, Cas! Think it will be more fun and besides we can maybe find something there." He said excited and winked at him. Castiel frowned at the thought of that. Being forced to flirt with girls wouldn't be pretty. He was shy as it was and he still didn't like the idea of party at all. Too crowded places made him anxious. He even threw up once when he was younger during one of his mother's parties just because of the stress he got from it. The taste of vomit almost got back when he thought of it. Dean chuckled a bit nervously when he saw how pale Castiel got.

"Dude, are you okay?" Castiel got dragged back from his own thoughts to the real world and nodded quickly.

"I'm fine, Dean." He mumbled and looked down in his history book again. Trying to read but the text just blurred together and he closed it as he laid it on his night stand that was clean from stuff. Compared to Dean's that had empty cans, condom packets and dirty sock all over it.

"You don't really look fine." Dean sighed and took a closer look at him with narrowed eyes. "Don't say you still haven't popped your cherry." He raised his eyebrows at him. Castiel felt panic raise in him from that question. It was the question he always was afraid to be asked. Everything about sex made him nervous and not because of the reason normal people had. He was surprised that Dean hadn't asked earlier but he maybe took that for granted.

"Technically I'm not a virgin." Castiel sighed with a deep frown on his face as he felt the old scars rip up from his memories flashing by. He started to feel sick again as always when he thought about it. His body started to shake and he felt cold. Dean was his best friend but this. He just couldn't talk about it. It was too close to him. Dean had just scratched on the surface and everything came up to him again.

"Was it that bad?" Dean said and chuckled nervously. Castiel just frowned and stayed silent. It was bad and not because of the reason Dean thought of. "C'mon, man! Who was it?" Dean asked with raised eyebrows. "I need to know who not to fuck." He grinned but stopped when he saw Castiel's even paler face.

Castiel's heart started to rush when he asked about who it was. He couldn't lie and especially not to Dean because he could notice that from miles if he lied or not. It wasn't good that they were so close right now. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. It was nearly impossible and he couldn't get his breathing normally. The room started to spin and his vision got blurry. He looked over at Dean and could hardly see his green eyes that were filled with worry.

"Excuse me, Dean." Castiel said quietly as he got up from the bed and rushed over to the bathroom and into a booth and knelt down by the toilet. Just as he got down by it his body shuddered as his stomach cramped and he threw up. Out of a distance he could hear Dean's worried voice and feel his hand stroking his back. He had forgotten to lock the door. Now he knew he made Dean even more worried. As he thought of that a new wave of nausea hit him and he threw up once more. After a few minutes he started to get more aware of the surroundings and could more clearly feel the touch of Dean and hear his voice softly talking to him. It was calming but he felt bad for making him worried.

"Do you still feel sick, Cas?" Dean asked him, his voice filled with worry. Castiel just shook his head quickly. Pulling up his long sleeve and dried his mouth with the back off his hand. Quickly he flushed the toilet so Dean wouldn't have to see content of his stomach.

"Sorry, Dean. You weren't supposed to see that." He muttered and let Dean help him up from the floor on his shaky legs.

"Don't apologise. C'mon! Let's get back to our room and I will get you a water bottle and we will talk." Dean sighed and laid his arm around his waist and carefully helped him back. Castiel leaned against him. It was nearly impossible for him to walk by his own. His legs shook too much to keep himself steady. Castiel still didn't feel good but he wouldn't throw up more. His stomach was empty. He nodded and felt he had to tell the truth now. If he didn't do it now Dean would go around and worry without reason and he didn't want that for his best friend. He deserved to know now. Still he was terrified. What reaction would Dean get? He took a deep breath and sat down on his bed Dean had leaded him to. Carefully he moved himself so he could lean against the wall and put a pillow behind his back. He still felt dizzy but the nausea was over. Now it just felt like someone was eating on his guts, digging a hole in his stomach and leaving him empty. He felt really anxious. The worry for what Dean would think was taking over his mind and he almost didn't reacted when he handed a water bottle for him.

"Cas, earth is calling." Dean sighed and shook Castiel lightly as he sat down beside him. Castiel sighed and with shaky hands he took the water bottle and tried to move it to his mouth but he was too weak. His arms didn't want to move more than half way up to his mouth. He looked over to Dean and felt that he had to swallow his pride. Asking for help for such a simple thing wasn't easy.

"Dean… Can you help me?" He asked and the words choke in his throat but Dean understood him and took the water bottle from him. Carefully Dean put it against Castiel's dry lips and poured the liquor into his mouth. Castiel swallowed the water down with slightly blushed face and the vomit taste got washed away. It still was there but most of it was gone. He was really thankful for that. After he had drunk up so the bottle just was half full Dean removed the bottle and leaned forward in the bed to reach so he could put it down on the floor.

"Thank you." Castiel smiled slightly and started to feel a bit stronger but he still didn't feel good. The hard task was still there. It was something he just had to do. He felt Dean's gaze on him and he nervously looked down in his lap. Of course Dean wanted an explanation now.

"Cas… What was all of this about?" Dean asked quietly and leaned back against the wall again. Castiel sighed deep and glanced at him with a deep frown. This was it. He had to now. The thing just his family knew about, their secret. It had to be revealed.

"Do you mind, Dean sitting over in your bed? I…" He sighed again and looked excusing at him. "This feels too near right now. Not comfortable telling it like this." Dean smiled slightly and stroked Castiel's shoulder quickly.

"It's alright. Just if you give me an explanation I will be happy or what you now can call it. Happy maybe isn't the right word now." Dean's smile was gone and got up from Castiel's bed to move over to his own and sat on the edge of it.

Castiel took a deep breath and looked nervously around in the room before his gaze stopped at Dean. He was about to do it now. His heart rushed again but he in one way started to feel safe. Dean could handle this. He knew that now. He was his best friend, his only real friend. Dean needed to know and he trusted him with his life.

"Just promise me, Dean that you will never treat me different in any way after this." Castiel sighed and gave him a weak smile.

"I promise."


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **I beg for just one reason to give you regret

**Author: **Thiscanbeinteresting

**Pairing: **Dean/Cas

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **How will I put out a warning without spoil? I want you to get it after hand. This sucks… If you are that sensitive. Go on and kill me or something. So no warning.

**Word Count: **2,269

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately Supernatural doesn't belong to me. I'm just playing around with the characters in it.

**Summary: **Castiel finally reveals the secret.

**Chapter 2**

Castiel furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Dean that sat on the other side of the room with the same expression. He had never seen Dean this serious and it felt safe, like he was really important for him. He was really important for someone.

"Dean… I didn't lose my virginity like you or how normal people lose it." Castiel started and swallowed hard. "I don't even know if I can say that I've lost it."

"What do you mean with that, Cas?" Dean asked as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his lap.

Castiel took a deep breath and thought it through quickly. It wasn't an easy thing to tell. He just had to go for it. Just get it out there. He couldn't go around it anymore. It would be easier later when it was said.

"My father…" Castiel swallowed hard and felt his heart rush. He didn't want to think about it, less talk about it. "He raped me, Dean." Castiel said with a shaky voice and looked at Dean to see his reaction. He had never seen a more shocked face. It took a while for his expression to change, before the news really sank in. He saw sadness now with a mixed of a slightly anger in the background and he could understand him. It was like that he felt too. Sometimes he just wanted to punch a hole in a wall even if he wasn't aggressive at all.

"For how long did that idiot do that to you?" Dean finally managed to ask but his voice broke and he looked up at him with tears in his eyes. Castiel felt bad for making him sad for him. He didn't want that and he just hoped he would treat him in the same way after this. Of course he wouldn't expect that right now but in the future. He couldn't take the pity. It was just how it was and he had lived with it for so long that it was a part of his life. This had always been there. Tearing on him, just burning under the surface of his maybe normal looking life.

"Depends on what you count as it. He first touched me when I was seven." Shivers went down Castiel's spine when the memory got back to him. Even if he just was seven he remembered how scared he was. How he was lying in his bed and his father's big hands were all over him. He had never felt panic like that not even when he saw his mother dead after she had given birth to his younger brother Gabriel. Not that he was so old then. He was just six but he still felt panic when he noticed that she didn't wake up no matter how much he called. Of course they put him to the side and explained like people usually do with six year olds but he didn't believe that. There is no 'better place'. She had it good with him and their family. 'Heaven' is just a place to make people feel better. Even if their family was religious he didn't believe in any of it they told him. It didn't help his grief progress, it just made it worse. In one way he pitied his father too in the end. He had three children at home and a new baby and with grief of a dead wife hanging heavily over his shoulders he was doomed to crash someday. Something must have gotten wrong. His father was sick it was nothing to argue about. Castiel's older siblings weren't any help either. They got as far away they could from home. Not that he can blame them. Castiel got dragged back from his thoughts when he heard Dean's soft voice talking with him again.

"So when did he start to… You know, more like rape you?" Dean sighed deep and buried his face in his hands. It almost looked like he was about to cry. He didn't like seeing him so miserable just because of him. Castiel moved from where he sat in his bed and got up from it. The room spun slightly but he managed to move the short way over to Dean's bed. He sat down beside him and looked at his profile that still was buried in his hands. Dean wasn't supposed to look like this. He was supposed to make jokes and laugh. Sure he had seen him nearly like this when they talked about his family problems. He had a dead mother too but the talks usually didn't hold for so long because Dean didn't like to talk about things that were emotional for him. Gently he laid a hand on his back and stroked it slowly. He felt the urge to comfort him and couldn't resist it. Dean looked up at him and smiled from the touch. "I'm okay, Cas. Just worried about you."

"I was twelve when he for the first time forced me into intercourse." Castiel continued monotonic after a while in silence and looked at Dean.

"Shit." Dean frowned and just shook his head. It seemed like he didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to believe it himself either but it was how it was. Nothing could change the past. Almost his whole childhood was filled with fear from when the next time would be and his sibling looking at him with disgust. Nothing did they do to help him. Probably because they were as scared as he was. Why his father only picked him was still a mystery. Everyone said that he looked like his mother but he didn't want to think that. He didn't want to think that he maybe was a substitute for her.

"I know, Dean." Castiel sighed and looked down in his lap and fiddled with his long sleeve. "It's pretty shit but it's my life. I've learned to live with it." Dean raised his eyebrows at him and shook his head once again.

"You have learned to live with it? You can't lie to me, Cas. Of course you haven't learned to live with it. No one learns to live with shit like that." He said with a slightly raised voice. Castiel's furrow between his eyebrows got deeper and he looked away. Dean was right. He was too right. "Have you ever had someone?" Dean asked softer and looked serious at him.

"No I haven't. I'm too scared for that." Castiel whispered and felt his voice break. He looked at Dean and noticed his vision got blurry and blinked quickly. A tear rolled down and he sighed deep. He didn't want to cry more. Not because of this. His father didn't deserve to destroy his life even more. "Damn." He muttered and dried the tear quickly away and looked up at Dean when he felt his hand around his own wrist.

"Don't, Cas. Cry if you want to. You need it." Dean didn't let go off him and Castiel didn't mind. He needed to be hold down and he let go. The tears streamed down his cheeks and Dean softly stroked one of his cheeks and it sent shivers down Castiel's spine. Finally shivers that felt pleasant. Castiel blushed from the affection he showed and couldn't resist to smile through the tears. "It's okay. You will always have me. We will solve this together." He said and smiled. "Gonna fight this fear off you huh."

"Thank you." Castiel said and nodded. "Don't know how I will be able to do that, Dean. I don't think I can do it. I've always been shy and afraid of being near people. How can I fight that off now?"

"Don't think you are shy really. Just something you have become from all the crap you have gone through." Dean said and shrugged. "So what do you say? At the party we can try to get a girl for you." He smirked big but Castiel couldn't do the same.

"Don't know if I want that, Dean." Castiel swallowed hard and felt the same panic again.

"It will be fine. I will be by your side nearly through everything. You can get the room." Dean sighed and took Castiel's hand. "You have to try. Beside a chick is as far away as your father. Or… what are you into, Cas? Have never really asked." He chuckled nervously and smiled slightly at him. Castiel shrugged and finally felt that he had stopped crying. He dried away the old tears but could still feel the old ones that had dried into his skin.

"I have no idea. Have never really thought about it." He sighed lightly and looked at Dean. In some how he hoped that he would be heterosexual. It would make everything so much simpler in his not so simple life. Finally be like the most of the students on college. He didn't know of someone that was openly gay.

"It's okay. Not many of us have that." Dean sighed and looked down.

"What is your sexual orientation, Dean?"

"Straight of course." Dean answered almost too quickly and Castiel tilted his head slightly and looked at him. He was a bit unsure about the way he answered but didn't say anything it would just make everything awkward. "What?" Dean asked with a frown when he saw Castiel looking at him and he quickly turned away and cleared his throat.

"Nothing, Dean. We should probably get to sleep. It has been a long day." Castiel sighed and got up from bed when he felt Dean grabbing his arm sleeve.

"Remember that I will help you with this alright. Just talk to me or whatever that makes you feel better." Castiel smiled and nodded.

"Thank you, Dean. It means a lot to me that you care."

"No need to thank me. We are friends right of course I will help you out."

"Sorry… I'm not used to it." Castiel sighed and looked down in the ground before he looked up to meet Dean's gaze again. The green eyes that looked back in his blue showed nothing but love and affection. He could almost melt from just the look and he felt all warm inside. Just feeling that someone actually cared made everything so much better. Dean smiled and got up from the bed.

"I will get you used to it." Dean chuckled and wrapped his arms around him and clapped on his back. Castiel got shocked from the sudden hug but as fast as he reacted he hugged him back and breathed in his scent. It felt safe and he buried his head in his shoulder.

"Thank you." He mumbled again and he felt how Dean sighed lightly and stroked his hair.

"I'm glad I can help you." Dean said softly and backed off from Castiel and cleared his throat. "We should really go to bed now." He yawned in the middle of the sentence and ruffled Castiel's already tousled hair. Castiel smiled with a flushed face and could still feel the warmth from Dean around him. Dean walked away to go to the bathroom and picked his toothbrush with him. Castiel sighed and sat down on his bed while he waited for Dean to get done. He felt so relieved. Dean was so supportive and hadn't even looked at him with a slightest disgust. Just worry. No of his fears had become true and he smiled big when he thought of how nice Dean was. He could still feel his warming touch and how his green orbs looked at him with love and care. Something he hadn't seen in ages. Dean came back from the bathroom with a grin on his face and Castiel grinned back. He hoped he hadn't noticed that he was smiling before he came in.

"Your turn." Dean said and scratched his stomach. His shirt slipped up and revealed the sun kissed skin he got from his soccer practice without shirt. A small string of hair searched its way up from the waistband of his jeans to his bellybutton. Castiel swallowed hard and tried to not look down there but it was impossible. He hoped Dean didn't notice and he took the things he needed and rushed to the bathroom. Quickly he turned on the water and splashed it up in his face. Castiel needed to cool down. He looked up in the mirror. His cheek was still a bit pink but he looked better now than ever. More awake like he had slept through his whole life. He had actually never lived when he thought about it. It became better right away as he got here but still, now when Dean knew it felt so much better. He took his toothbrush and started to brush away the last taste of vomit that was left and replaced it with mint instead. Castiel spitted the toothpaste out and drank some water before he walked out to his and Dean's room. He carefully closed the door when he saw that Dean already was asleep.

"Don't need to be quiet." Castiel heard Dean mumbled and he smiled at him.

"Okay then." Castiel said softly and undressed. Nicely folded he placed his clothes beside his bed and looked down on his half naked body. He was pale and skinny. Not like Dean's perfect shaped body. He sighed lightly and lay down in bed under the cover and pulled it up to his chin.

"Night, Cas." He heard Dean say.

"Goodnight, Dean." Castiel whispered and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

**Okay so I finally saved you from hanging over the cliff. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please don't kill me. I know I'm a horrible person. Want to thank Jana or Casexter (her lovely tumblr) ****that read it through and told me that everybody will hate me. That always makes me happy. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: **I beg for just one reason to give you regret

**Author: **Thiscanbeinteresting

**Pairing: **Dean/Cas

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **I suck at put out warnings. If small amounts of alcohol and a bit of sexual thoughts can disturb people. Yes this chapter have that.

**Word Count:** 2164

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately Supernatural doesn't belong to me. I'm just playing around with the characters in it.

**Summary: **Castiel is nervous for the party. He has no clue on what can be good to wear. Luckily him he has his best friend Dean that is willing to help him out.

**Chapter 3**

Castiel was nervous. The party was in just a couple of hours and Dean planned to make Castiel lose his virginity. He really didn't want to do this. It was enough to go to the party but he didn't want to hurt Dean and say that he didn't want to go. So there he was in front of the mirror in only his jeans and had no idea what to wear. He sighed deep and poked his flat belly. Not any signs of muscles were there. He really didn't care but he wouldn't mind to have a bit fitter body. Now he was just skinny. Not weird that everyone was on Dean with that body. His own body didn't get much attention and he was really glad for that. Castiel walked over to his wardrobe and tried to find something to wear. He didn't want to have his usual clothes but he didn't want to feel more uncomfortable than he already felt in this situation with wearing something he really didn't like.

"What are you doing all naked, Cas?" Dean chuckled as he came into the room. Castiel pouted at him and felt a bit exposed as he stood there half naked in front of him but he tried to not mind it. It was Dean. He had seen him naked before.

"I can't find any clothes to wear. Nothing suits me." He sighed and folded one of his usual long sleeved shirts and laid it back in the wardrobe.

"Don't be such a lady." Dean chuckled and took out a shirt and looked at it. "No!" He sighed and laid it back. "Can't you have just a simple shirt or something? It's not so important. Your clothes are supposed to lie on the floor in the end of the night either way." Dean chuckled and didn't seem to notice how Castiel looked at him with wide eyes filled with fear. He couldn't do this. Dean seemed so calm and it made him a bit calmer but not enough. His heart still rushed every time he thought about it. Not from excitement, just pure panic.

"Do you mean something like this?" Castiel asked as he took out his white shirt with a blue tie hanging over it. He usually used it to bigger events but this maybe was a big event. Honestly, he had no clue how to really dress to this party. He was glad he had Dean now.

"Yeah that can work. Put it on, Cas." Dean smiled big at him and he couldn't resist smiling back even if he almost felt like running away from this school so he could get away from the party. He took the shirt and gave the hanger and tie to Dean while he pulled it on. Carefully he started to button the shirt and looked up and saw that Dean followed his movement. When he met his gaze Dean quickly smiled at him and looked away a bit. It was weird but he didn't mind it.

"Okay so how do I look?" Castiel sighed and turned around to look at himself in the mirror. He looked stupid as usual and he pouted a bit at his own reflection.

"Cas, turn around." Dean commanded and Castiel did as told and looked at him. He stepped closer and Castiel could feel the whiff from Dean's perfume and his own personal scent. He couldn't resist breathing it in and looked up at him as he fixed the collar of his shirt. The warmth from Dean's body was almost too overwhelming. They were so close now. If he just leaned up a bit he would feel his soft lips against his own. Castiel sighed. Why did he even think that? Dean was his best friend and hetero. He had said it and proved it a million times.

"Do I look good now?" Castiel asked quietly. Almost that he was afraid to breathe. He didn't want Dean to move away. He wanted him to hold onto his collar forever, feeling the warmth of him this close and then he backed off to look at him, breaking his dream. Nearly that he said something about it but he bit his tongue to not say a word. It would have been too weird even for him.

"You maybe need the tie." Dean gave him the blue tie and Castiel sighed lightly. A light blush spread on his cheek as he looked down on it. He had never learned to knot it.

"Can you help me?" Castiel asked with a frown. He felt embarrassed to ask about it. He had a tie but couldn't knot it. Just great, didn't sound retarded at all. He sighed and looked up at Dean. Dean chuckled a bit but took the tie and laid it under the collar. He knotted it and a small furrow arose between his eyebrows when he concentrated. Castiel wanted most of all in this moment to stroke his fingertip over it. Feel on his soft skin and poke on the little freckle that was in the middle of the furrow. He had to clench his fists to not do anything inappropriate. Dean looked up at him and Castiel met his gaze. He smiled and looked down at his hands that still adjusted his tie.

"Think it's good soon." Dean smiled and unbuttoned the first button on his shirt and loosened the tie. As he did so his fingers stroked against Castiel's chest. Shivers spread in Castiel's body as usual when he felt Dean's touch. He tried to ignore it and looked at Dean's face that was concentrating on the task. It didn't make it easier to ignore. He could see every little freckle that wasn't visible from distance and he could even feel his breath on his own face. He quickly ran his tongue over his own lips and sighed lightly. Was he about getting feelings for him? Was it this way it felt like? He had admired Dean for a while actually but it never had made him feel this strong. It was something that made him wanting to push Dean against a wall and fuck him. Everything felt weird. He never wanted to come near something named sex but now all of the sudden his body was tingling. It ached and wanted Dean. Not some random girl that they picked up from the party.

"You look hot now." Dean smirked and dragged Castiel back from his thoughts to the real world. He blushed furiously and turned around to look in the mirror. Dean was kind of right. He wasn't hot but he looked better than usual. His shirt was a bit open and he looked relaxed, the same with the tie. It was lose but it didn't look sloppy in any way. Dean really knew how to make something work.

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel said with a slightly shaky voice. Still a bit shocked over hearing that he was hot. Even if it maybe was something Dean just said it was something he had never heard in his life. It meant even more that it came from his mouth. Suddenly he felt Dean's hands on his shoulders and he looked at Castiel's reflection from behind him.

"The girls will go crazy over you tonight. Just make your hair a bit more tousled. They dig the sex hair." Dean chuckled and the words tickled in Castiel's ear. He didn't know what to say and he almost felt boneless as he stood there in front of the mirror with Dean behind him.

"I…I will." Castiel stuttered but couldn't make a single move. Eventually Dean clapped on his shoulder and grinned at him as he turned around to his own wardrobe. Castiel sighed lightly and ran his fingers through his hair and tried to make it a bit more tousled but it just looked stupid so he flatted it back. Through the reflection he could see Dean pulling his shirt off and he saw how his back muscles moved under his skin as he reached up to grab a shirt higher up. He had to bit his cheeks from the inside of his mouth to not make a single sound.

"What should I wear, Cas?" Dean sighed and held a few t-shirts in his hands and he threw them over the bed to look at them. "Am I boring if I just dress as I do normally?" Castiel quickly shook his head and tried to not look at Dean's naked chest. Those faded band shirts looked so good on him. They fitted him perfectly and revealed what a good body that hide under there without making it too obvious.

"No, it looks good on you." Castiel answered quietly and walked over to him to take a closer look at the shirts he had picked out. He grabbed a grey shirt that it stood 'Led Zeppelin' across the chest and with the painting Evening the fall of the day underneath. Quickly he got told from Dean that rolled his eyes when he asked what it did on a t-shirt that it was Led Zeppelin's record label's logo. He was still right about the painting but it was nerdy to say that instead of what Dean told him. Something he tried to not be but he couldn't do anything about that he had more knowledge about art than bands. "Take this one." Castiel said with a smile and handed Dean the shirt.

"My favorite." Dean grinned and took the shirt and pulled it on. Castiel sighed lightly. How could he look so good when he didn't even try? It was frustrating. He both wanted to look like Dean and wanted him.

Dean stood in front of the mirror and fixed his hair. Castiel watched him with a slightly tilted head from the bed. He thought it was weird. His hair always looked as it did before he fixed it and didn't get why he had to stand there for five minutes. He sighed lightly and looked at the clock. It was less than a half an hour left. He really didn't want to go.

"Dean, do we really have to go? I don't want to." Castiel pouted and looked down in his lap.

"Dude, relax!" Dean chuckled and walked over to his bag and took up a bottle of Jack Daniel's. "Here! Drink and you will at least be less tense." Castiel looked up at Dean's smiling face with wide eyes as he took the bottle with whiskey in his hands. He never really drank. It was something he didn't find necessary but it probably was now. He opened the lid and put the bottle between his lips. Carefully he tilted it and the liquor burned through his throat as he swallowed. He grimaced and looked up at a laughing Dean.

"It doesn't taste good." Castiel whined and frowned as he looked at the bottle.

"It will be better after a while." Dean grinned and took up his perfume and sprayed it on himself. Castiel loved the smell of that perfume but it was so much better when it was on Dean from the beginning. He took a second sip from the bottle. Dean was right. It was better now but still not good. Dean looked at Castiel and smiled as he sat down beside him. "I think it will go great tonight. Just relax and drink some more." He chuckled and laid a hand on Castiel's back. It didn't make Castiel more relaxed and he turned his head to look at Dean with a light blush on his cheeks. He then sighed lightly and took a small sip from the bottle before he handed it to Dean.

"I don't need it anymore." Castiel sighed and already felt a bit more relaxed. He was too sensitive for alcohol. Dean removed his hand and took the bottle. He smirked at Castiel and took a swig too. Castiel looked at his lips wrapping around the opening on the bottle and swallowed hard to keep himself steady. Was everything Dean did hot? It seemed that way and Castiel wondered for how long he would be able to take that he could just watch him. Dean put down the bottle of whiskey on the floor and got up from bed.

"Are you ready to go, Cas?" Dean smiled and Castiel sighed deep.

"Don't know but I think I have to." Castiel said quietly as he got up from the bed after Dean.

"Come on! We will have fun tonight." Dean smiled and laid an arm around Castiel's shoulders as they walked out through the room. Castiel frowned and looked back at the room. He now left the safe side and he wished he could stay. Just lock himself into his room with a good book and leave this world. Now it wasn't possible. He was out there in the real world and was about to meet his worst fears.

* * *

**Okay it took longer time than I thought to write this. I've been too lazy but here you go. Sorry for that. Hope you guys enjoyed even if it isn't so much action in this and thank you so much for your wonderful reviews. It means a lot to me. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: **I beg for just one reason to give you regret

**Author: **Thiscanbeinteresting

**Pairing: **Dean/Cas

**Rating:** T

**Warnings: **I'm not good at giving out warnings but they will drink in this chapter and it will be some heterosexual kissing (I'm so sorry) but it will be forced so a warning there too if you get upset over that.

**Word Count:** 1775

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately Supernatural doesn't belong to me. I'm just playing around with the characters in it.

**Summary: **The party is here and Castiel feels immediately uncomfortable and out of place. Dean introduces him to a girl that he thinks can help him with his intimate problem.

**Chapter 4**

Dean still had his arm around him. It felt safe but he still got panicked when he saw the crowded room. The party had already started and it was drunken people everywhere. They got further into the room and the smell of alcohol and sweat hit him like a wall. Same with the loud music that was terrible. It was hot and he already felt that he had a hard time to breathe. He looked terrified around when he saw two guys from his class almost starting a fight. Luckily a bigger guy got between them.

"I don't like it here, Dean." Castiel whispered and looked up at Dean.

"Relax. The music sucks but we can live with that." Dean pulled him little closer and grinned at him. Castiel sighed and couldn't resist smiling when he felt the warmth from Dean. He started to feel a bit safer. At least he had him by his side. "Let's take a drink before we start the fun." Dean chuckled and dragged Castiel with him to a place where they served shots. Castiel recognized the guy that served from one of Dean's classes. When they came there Dean took his arm back from his shoulders and he felt naked without him around. He sighed lightly and watched Dean greet his friend with a fist bump. Before he knew it he got handed a shot glass from a smirking Dean.

"I don't know if I should take this." Castiel said a bit unsure. He knew he was sensitive and he wanted to have control over himself. If he lost his control he maybe would do something stupid.

"It will make you calm down." Dean sighed lightly and took his shot. Castiel looked down on his own before he took it. It burned even worse than the whiskey and it tasted horrible. He coughed and looked up at a laughing Dean. "It's not that bad, Cas."

"I'm not used to alcohol." Castiel said quietly when he recovered. It still tingled in his throat and made him warm.

"Then we get you used to it tonight." Dean chuckled and gave him a second shot as he took another one too. Castiel sighed and quickly drank it. It was as he said before not as worst after the second one but it still tasted horrible. He couldn't understand people that drank alcohol because it tasted good.

"I think I start to feel something." Castiel frowned confused when he started to feel a bit numb.

"Good." Dean grinned and laid an arm around Castiel again. "I think you are ready for a friend of mine then. Just push her away if she's on you too much." He chuckled lightly and leaded him to two girls. Castiel swallowed hard and looked up at Dean. Dean hugged them both and smiled big. "This is Delilah. Delilah, this is Cas." Castiel looked at Deliah and tried to breathe through the thick air of cigarette and cheap perfume scent that surrounded her. He scanned her quickly up and down, trying to figure out who he had to deal with. Delilah had long hair that was curly in the end of it. It was big and she had probably put some time on it. She really seemed to care about her appearance. Big, wide blue eyes stared curiously at him and they looked even bluer with the big amount of make-up she had. Even with the make-up he could see small freckles on her face. She had more than Dean. Castiel's gaze trailed down and saw that she wore a small, red tank top that showed more than hide. Even if he wasn't interested at all it definitely dragged attention. Something she had thought about. He glanced over at Dean and he winked at him and grinned. Castiel frowned a bit and looked and saw that she wore a black, short skirt. When he looked up again he saw that she was closer than he expected.

"So this is the guy you talked about?" Delilah smirked big and he swallowed hard when she grabbed his tie and ran her finger tip over his chest. She leaned forward against his ear and he looked at Dean with wide eyes. He was scared. Having her near him wasn't something he liked. He didn't even know her. "Shy virgins are the best to fuck." She whispered and giggled. Castiel didn't know what to do and backed off terrified from her while she was laughing.

"Did you tell her?" Castiel mouthed to Dean with a deep furrow between his eyebrows. Before Dean had a chance to answer Delilah grabbed Castiel's tie and dragged him closer again.

"I can sense things like that." She smirked and Castiel looked at Dean with fear in his eyes. His heart rushed and he felt the panic ripping in his guts. Dean smiled at Delilah and looked over at the other girl that just stood and watched the show with raised eyebrows and crossed arms.

"Cas this is Annie. She's a bit calmer then Delilah here." Dean chuckled and Delilah grinned and backed off from Castiel's personal space. Castiel immediately relaxed and didn't feel so claustrophobic. Dean had finally saved him from her. He reached out his hand and smiled at Annie.

"Nice to meet you." He met a pair of soft, hazel brown eyes and a little, warm smile.

"Nice to meet you too, Cas. Sorry for my friend here. She's not always the one that takes it easy with people." Castiel could now hear that she wasn't from here. She had a British accent. Her face had soft features and dark, straight hair hung down on the side of it. She didn't wear any make-up and she had a loose AC/DC shirt and a pair of jeans. Castiel thought she was much prettier than Delilah even if people maybe thought she was more attractive.

"I'm fine really." Castiel sighed lightly and looked between the two girls. He swallowed nervously and looked down in the ground but quickly got forced from Delilah to look up again when she put her finger under his chin.

"Oh darling. Don't be so shy." She grinned and grabbed his tie again. Castiel looked desperately back at Dean with his wide eyes when she dragged him against a couch. Dean sighed and smiled at him. It felt like he was trying to reassure him that everything would be fine. Castiel was unsure of that and swallowed hard. With that he felt her hand on his cheek and she moved over so she straddled his lap. She grinned at him and leaned over and put her lips over his ear. Castiel could feel the scent of alcohol from her and her giggles tickled in his ear and made him stiff. He didn't want this, not at all. It all felt so wrong.

"Gonna take care of you, sweetie." Delilah whispered and he felt her teeth nipping in his earlobe. His heart rushed and not from the right reasons. Sweetie had only one person called him and he didn't want to get reminded of him.

"My name is Castiel." Castiel said quietly, almost whispering. He felt like something crawled under his skin and he couldn't scratch it away. Delilah really got under his skin and he wanted her away but he was too paralyzed to do something. When he thought it couldn't get worse he saw her blue eyes looking drunk at him and her fingers were twirled into his hair. Castiel looked at her with wide eyes and he clenched his fists hard so he felt his nails digging in his skin.

"Okay, Castiel." Delilah smirked and when she moved herself even closer to him he felt her breath stink from whiskey and cigarettes. Quickly she pressed her lips against Castiel's. The memories from the past hit him hard. She tasted just like him and it was forced. Nothing made him want this. Every guy in here probably wanted to have sex with her or already had but he didn't want to. He shut his eyes tight and tried to think it away but it didn't work. Tears burned behind his eyelids. Castiel felt the nausea again and his head got dizzy when his heart rushed even faster. Finally he managed to think clearly. He got back his ability to move and pushed her hard back so she fell on the ground. She looked shocked back up at him. This was probably the first time that ever happened to her.

"Stop touching me!" Castiel hissed between his teeth and felt every person stare at them. He couldn't be here anymore. His heart was about to explode from pumping this fast and he felt a tear rolling down his cheek. Even if he saw Dean looking desperately at him to get there and help him he just ran out. It was raining but he didn't care. His father had destroyed him and he had let him do it. He had let himself get destroyed from him and he didn't see a way to build himself up. His stomach ached from the nausea, panic and the tears streaming down together with the rain. Castiel didn't live. He had stopped living and the memories from the past would hunt him forever. Not even hooking up with a random girl was something he could do without thinking about him. Castiel stopped when he felt that his body couldn't bearhim anymore. He hadn't run long but it was enough for him and he lied down on the ground and felt the wet grass tickle on his cheek. He took a deep breath and felt more tears burning in his eyes. His body ached worse than ever before from all the stress he felt. He curled up himself and wanted to disappear. The life he had was a waste of space. No one cared about him. Not even his own family, especially not his own family. He wanted to die. Leaving this earth behind and let his body rotten together with his memories. The rain made him cold and it helped him. He could feel something else than the pain inside of him.

"What the fuck have I done wrong?" Castiel screamed on the top of his lungs and looked up in the sky and felt the rain mix together with his tears. Normally he didn't curse but right now he didn't feel normal, he never really did. He continued to scream until he became hoarse. With that he fell down on the ground again all wet from the rain and slowly drifted away from the exhaustion.

* * *

**Okay I'm sorry again for this chapter being a bit late. It didn't came out the way I wanted it to but it's better now I guess. Still not as I pictured in my head but it never gets that way right. I hope you guys enjoyed and this time I got some own characters yay. Thanks for the wonderful reviews. They have been my fuel right now. My school starts so can be a bit tough to get the chapters out but will try to do everything as fast as I can. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: **I beg for just one reason to give you regret

**Author:** Thiscanbeinteresting

**Pairing: **Dean/Cas

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **None

**Word Count: **2010

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately Supernatural doesn't belong to me. I'm just playing around with the characters in it.

**Summary: **Dean finds Castiel and helps him out from his negative thoughts.

**Chapter 5**

Castiel still felt the rain pour down his face when he woke up. He was cold and he curled up more and sobbed quietly. His clothes were soaked and the grass had turned to mud under him. Just great he thought but lay still in the same position. He hadn't the energy to move and no energy to care about it either. Everything felt so pointless. What would be different in the world if he didn't get up? They would be a student less but it wouldn't be something else that would change. Everyone's life would continue as before.

After a while he heard a voice from the distance. It screamed his name and that specific voice could only belong to one person. Castiel looked up a bit and felt relived. He couldn't stop a little smile and his eyes got filled with tears again.

"Dean…" Castiel whispered with a hoarse voice and felt warmth spread in his chest. He actually came for him. Even if he didn't feel worth caring about it really meant a lot that Dean actually did so. The little love he got from him was enough for him to manage to sit up. His shirt had got transparent from the rain and the side he had laid on was brown from the mud. He looked out from where he could still hear his name got repeated from Dean with a desperate tone. Castiel swallowed nervously and tried to get his voice working again.

"I'm here!" He tried to scream but it choked in his throat. Quickly he cleared his throat and tried again and this time he managed to get it out better. It got his attention and finally he could see him running towards him. Dean was really the hero he maybe didn't deserve but he was there anyway. A very handsome hero he thought with a sigh and he had thought it was impossible for him to get even more attractive but here he was with the rain pouring down over him and slowly dripping from his face. His grey shirt was sticking against him and he could see his well-shaped body under it. When he thought of that he felt even more miserable. Nothing would make Dean want him. He was a loser and Dean would never be interested in him. Dean didn't like guys and if he did he would probably pick a better looking one and someone that actually could be near someone without freaking out.

"Cas… fuck don't leave me like that." Dean said with a thick voice. It sounded like he was about to cry and when he got to Castiel he sat down on the ground and wrapped his arms tight around him. Castiel swallowed hard to try to keep the tears back.

"You came for me." Castiel whispered and felt that he didn't managed to keep the tears back and he cried again. Luckily it was raining and Dean wouldn't notice it as easy as usually. He buried his face in the crook of his neck and inhaled deeply as he wrapped his arms around him too. Castiel felt safe with someone for the first time. He had never been this near a person without freaking out but with Dean it was different. Dean calmed him down. It was like he was important in his eyes. He had never been that for someone except for his mother but he barely remembered her.

"Of course I did. Don't ever do that again." Dean sighed and his arms wrapped around him tighter like he was afraid he would disappear.

"I won't. I was just so scared, Dean. It felt like I was with… father again. I couldn't be there. I'm sorry I let you down." Castiel whispered shakily and his body trembled from both the cold and the tears. He felt so stupid for not being able to even kiss her. She shouldn't have reminded him of father but she did and it scared Castiel. How would he ever be able to have a relationship?

"Why do you think you would let me down?" Dean asked and sounded confused.

"Aren't you disappointed?" Castiel looked up from his shoulder to meet his gaze. Even in the dark light he could see his green, soft eyes. They gave him such warmth that he didn't even mind the rain and the coldness that before made his body shudder.

"No I'm not disappointed. Why would I be?" Dean frowned and still looked confused. Castiel moved his hand up to his forehead and stroked out the furrow between his brows and Dean chuckled lightly.

"Don't like to see that on your face…" He mumbled.

"And I don't like to see you like this, Cas." Dean sighed and stroked his cheek. Castiel shivered and couldn't stop a smile. He made him happy even now when he was far from it.

"You know… that about why I would think you were disappointed. I just thought you really wanted it to succeed between Delilah and me."

Dean sighed and shook his head.

"I'm such an asshole for put that pressure on you. Just wanted you to try a bit and…" Dean chuckled a little. "I probably chose the wrong girl for you."

Castiel nodded and looked away a bit. He felt a bit sick when he thought about it. She forced everything and the taste of cigarettes and alcohol were still in his mouth. Exactly how it was with father.

"I can't even be with one girl." Castiel whispered and looked at Dean. "How pathetic isn't that?" He said even more quietly and he leaned his head against Dean's shoulder again and he felt how he slowly stroked his wet back. It felt better now. Dean was his safe zone. Nothing would hurt him here.

"You aren't pathetic. This is huge for you. You've taken a big step right with trying."

"That makes me sound even more pathetic. I don't even know what… don't even know why I'm still fighting and why I should do that." Castiel swallowed hard and he felt how Dean got stiff in his arms.

"Please don't say that." Dean whispered and gripped him tighter. Castiel sighed lightly and moved even closer so he sat in Dean's lap with his legs around him.

"It's just how it is, Dean… I've thought like this for a long time and the fighting just feels pointless. You have no idea how tiring it is to wake up every morning and feel like this." Castiel felt more tears searching their way down his cheeks together with the rain. "You have no idea." He said almost inaudibly. "I know you haven't had it easy either but…but this is different. You can at least be near people and seek comfort with that."

Dean shook his head and stayed silent. Castiel looked up to see his face and he saw how he did everything to not cry.

"I'm sorry, Dean."

"Don't say you are sorry. I'm glad you are telling me this." Dean said quietly and his voice broke slightly. "I'm just… trying to think a bit about what I can do to help you." He sighed.

Castiel sighed and nodded. He didn't want to bother Dean with his problems really but it felt good to have someone that listened because he had only himself before but he didn't want to make Dean like this.

"How can you care about me?" He asked after a while and met Dean's gaze. Dean took a deep breath and he could see that he tried to calm himself down.

"Just because that you feel that I'm the only one who cares it doesn't mean I can't care." Dean frowned. "You are my friend, Cas. You are the only one of them that hangs out with me because you actually like me." Castiel tilted his head and looked confused at him. He narrowed his eyes when he tried to figure out what he meant.

"What do you mean with I'm the only one that likes you?"

"Yeah you like me because who I am not for what I am." Dean rolled his eyes a bit. "You are my real friend not like the others." He smiled a little. "So don't tell me that I can't care about you because I do."

"Thank you." Castiel couldn't resist smiling a little. Dean really meant this. It felt so genuine. This was the first time he actually felt a bit loved. Someone would care if he wouldn't be here. Dean would care if he hadn't found him here.

"Don't' let your father continue to rule your life like this, Cas. I understand that it's hard but you have to try. For me." Dean said and his voice faded in the end.

"But I'm scared, Dean." Castiel whispered. "I'm scared he will. Just want this to stop. I will never live a normal life."

"No one has a normal life, Cas." Dean sighed and frowned and took his face in his hands. Castiel shivered when he felt his touch and met his green eyes. "It will be alright."

"How do you know that? It has never been alright in my whole life." Castiel sighed and looked hopeless at Dean. He felt pathetic but it was how he was, just a pathetic loser that wasted Dean's time.

"I promise you, Cas! I will solve this. We will solve this together. It will be okay." Dean whispered and moved even closer into Castiel's space. It was just a small gap between them and he could feel Dean's breath on his lips. Castiel couldn't stop looking at his lips. They were so near. If he just moved a bit forward he would feel him against his own lips. Just a few inches forward and the dreams he had dreamed for a while would become true. Dean seemed to come even closer and he gripped tighter around his face like he needed to make sure he would stay. Castiel would never move. He was sure of that. "I promise you. It will be okay." With that last whisper Dean closed the small gap between him for a kiss. It was short but it didn't mean it wasn't a lot of feelings behind it. He could feel the softness and warmth burning on his lips even if it was just briefly. The sweet taste of his mouth was still there after they parted. He hoped the kiss would have been for longer but he had a feeling this was his signature on an invisible contract. Dean would help him with whatever it took. This kiss made the promise stronger, more meaningful than it was before.

For a while after the short kiss they just sat there. They didn't do anything, not even moved. Both of them were speechless and in this moment no words were needed. They both thought of this moment and they both knew everything would change. Castiel could feel a spark of hope lighting up inside of him. This could finally be a good change in his life. Finally his life could turn and he couldn't resist a little smile on his lips. Dean seemed to notice and smiled too.

"Let's go back to our room and warm up again. I bet we will be sick soon if not." He chuckled a bit and untangled himself from Castiel and helped him up too. Castiel smiled at him. No one of them mentioned the kiss but he knew that Dean probably thought of it too. It was the only thing on his mind now. Dean looked so beautiful that close. He could see every single freckle, even if it was dark. His green eyes focused on just him, nothing else. He was important, he was important for Dean and it was all that mattered when they walked towards their campus again. His soaked clothes and freezing body didn't even bothered him. Dean's promise repeated in his head with the kiss. It would be okay, it would be okay for once.

* * *

**Okay finally I've managed to write this. It hasn't been the easiest but now it's done. Right now I have school too so it will probably take some time between the chapters. Sorry for that. I hope you enjoyed it and the better turn to possible a brighter future for Cas. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: **I beg for just one reason to give you regret

**Author: **Thiscanbeinteresting

**Pairing: **Dean/Cas

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **None

**Word Count: **2247

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately Supernatural doesn't belong to me. I'm just playing around with the characters in it.

**Summary: **Castiel and Dean get back inside after being outside in the rain. Castiel is really cold so someone's got to warm him up right.

**Chapter 6**

Castiel sighed from relief when he finally got back inside in the warmth of their small room. He had never been this cold. Dean followed close behind him and closed the door to their room. The warm room reminded him of how cold he really was. His blood in his veins felt like they were replaced with ice and his whole body started to shudder uncontrollable. Snakingly he took of his shoes and walked further into the room. He couldn't do anything. His body shook way too much. He couldn't even think anymore. The coldness took over and he was paralyzed from it. All of the sudden he felt two warm hands on his arms. He stiffened slightly but then relaxed in Dean's touch. Castiel still shuddered but it felt better now. Just knowing that it was Dean heating him up warmed him up from the inside.

"Relax, Cas." Dean said softly and turned him so he would face him. Castiel tried to do as he was told but it was impossible.

"Ca-can't." He stammered and looked up at the slightly taller and way too handsome man. Castiel couldn't believe that he had just kissed him. It wasn't for long but still he had kissed him. His heart skipped a beat when he thought of it and he was so lost in his own thoughts and the full lips of Dean's that he barely noticed that he started to undo his tie.

"De-Dean." It was all he could say. He almost stopped shaking and Dean answered him with a little smile that made his body feel boneless.

"You will be warm soon. Just get your clothes off and you will be fine." Dean smiled a little and took the tie and hung it up over a chair. Castiel felt like he couldn't move. His legs acted like they didn't belong to his body anymore, same with his arms.

"You need help with getting your clothes off too?" Dean quirked an eyebrow amused and chuckled lightly. "Hurry before you get sick." Castiel nodded a little and managed to move his arms and started to unbutton his shirt. It was heavy and stuck to his body. He finally got it off and felt even colder than before. With shaky hands he continued to take off his jeans. He was so cold that he didn't even care that Dean stripped of his clothes to only his boxers a few meters away from him. Castiel had no idea what to do to heat up. He couldn't do anything else than stand and shaking. It was almost like he felt he would die like this, standing half-naked in his room. Every single muscle in his body cramped to try to warm him up and he trembled even more. For a moment ago he wouldn't mind the dying part, but now it was different. He knew he wasn't alone anymore. Even if he knew he had Dean before it all felt more real, genuine. Dean really cared. All of the sudden he could feel something warmer around his shoulders. He looked back and couldn't resist smiling.

"You looked a little cold." Dean chuckled and adjusted the blanket from Castiel's bed a bit better over his shoulder.

"I-ehm thank you, Dean." Castiel stuttered and couldn't move. This was way too comfortable for it and even if his veins still felt like they were filled with ice, a blush spread on his cheeks. Dean stood right behind him with his hands on his shoulders and the thought of him being nearly naked behind him didn't help him to keep his nerves stable, but he became warmer. His body trembled just a little and it was something he could handle. When Dean noticed that, he let go of his shoulders with a last stroke over them.

"You should get to bed and try to get warm." Dean smiled a little and grabbed Castiel's jeans and shirt that laid on the floor to hang them up. Castiel nodded a little and moved slowly over to his warm bed and laid down in it with his blanket wrapped around him. He tried to relax again and pulled up the blanket to his chin. It was still cold and his body continued to tremble when he tried to relax. He looked after Dean and saw that he was gone. With a sigh he forced himself up. He still had his wet boxers on and it probably didn't help him to get warmer at all. Dean was luckily still away and he found a pair of simple, black and tight boxers in his closet. Quickly he changed and with a shaking hand he hung up his wet underwear beside his tie. Shuddering with goose bumps all over his body he looked quickly up at Dean coming into the room. Dean smiled a little at him and held a towel around his hips a little tighter. Even if he was freezing he now couldn't resist looking at him. The towel was low down his hips and his belly was still wet from the shower. Dean walked over to his closet and opened it up. He took out a pair of boxers and before Castiel had a chance to look away he dropped the towel to the floor and pulled his boxers on. Castiel now had the image of Dean's round, tight and extremely perfect ass stuck in his mind. It really didn't make anything easier for him. He swallowed hard and looked away.

"Are you still cold, Cas?" Dean asked and turned to him after he had grabbed a grey, faded t-shirt and pulled it on.

Castiel couldn't answer. He was stuck from both the cold and seeing Dean's naked ass. It was something he couldn't recover right away from, but quickly he had to force himself to nod a little so he wouldn't wonder what was wrong with him. He was cold too so being a little slow hopefully wouldn't seem too weird for him. Dean then walked over to him and laid his hands on his arms. Castiel shivered under his touch. He was warm and once again he helped him to heat up a little.

"Yeah fuck… you are still really cold." Dean sighed and frowned. "Ehm you can go and lay down in my bed. This will sound really weird and you don't have to. I just want you to not go and catch a cold." He smiled a little and let go of his arms. "I thought my body temperature maybe can help you get warm or I don't know… probably a stupid idea." He rambled and seemed nervous. He scratched his nape and smiled shyly at him.

"I accept the offer, Dean." Castiel said shakily from his trembling body and the thought of sharing bed with Dean. He smiled a little before he slowly walked over to Dean's bed and lied down under the cover. The bed was warm and welcoming with Dean's scent all over it.

"I will be right back. Gotta pee." Dean smiled a little and walked away to the bathroom.

When Dean was gone Castiel curled up under the cover and turned his face into his pillow. He inhaled air deeply thorugh his nose and his body tingled when he smelled the musky scent from his perfume and his own personal pheromones. It was like a drug for him now. He couldn't stop smelling his pillow. Dean smelled so great and he knew he would soon be close to that scent, not just feeling it from his pillows. His heart skipped a beat and he felt how his whole body got filled with energy. He was like a teenage girl meeting her crush, in the other hand he was a teenage boy that would sleep in the same bed with his crush. Castiel had all reasons to feel the way he did. Even if Dean probably didn't feel the way he felt he would still have the opportunity to be near him and he hadn't messed it up. When he thought about it being near Dean didn't scare him at all compare to the thought of being near someone else. He was safe with him.

After a few minutes Castiel heard the door open and he quickly moved his face from the pillow.

"Hey! Haven't fallen asleep yet, huh?" Dean smiled a little walked over to the bed. "Move in." Castiel smiled and quickly did as he was told and moved closer to the wall. Dean lay down beside him and he could notice some hesitation from him but still he didn't stop it and lied down next to him.

"You don't have to do this. I'll be warm by myself." Castiel said quietly and turned to look at him.

"No, it is fine, Cas." Dean said quickly and smiled a little. "I'm warm and you really are frozen so you need this." He sighed lightly and moved closer to him. Castiel looked at him, hesitated a little. This was different for him. He had never had body contact like this; he had never been near someone that really cared about him and not just for using him. Slowly he moved under his open arm and laid his head on his warm chest. He was glad at least Dean wore a shirt or this would have been way too much. Dean pulled him closer and Castiel couldn't stop a little smile as he lay beside him. This was enough for him. Dean probably never liked him in that way and would never do that either but he didn't care. He had someone who cared about him and even offered this. Right now he couldn't have a better friend. Castiel cuddled little closer to him and he could feel Dean's heartbeat against the side of his head. The beat was calming and so was his even breathing.

"Do you feel warmer now?" Dean asked and Castiel could hear that he probably smiled a little.

"Much better." Castiel smiled and closed his eyes so he could relax. "Thank you for caring about me. Means a lot."

Dean stroked his arm and squeezed him a little.

"No problem, Cas. It's what friends do right?"

Castiel chewed on his lower lip and swallowed lightly. Even if he accepted the truth that it wouldn't be anything more it still made his stomach knot. He really was deep in the friendzone.

"Maybe, I have never had many friends so I don't know."

"Not when you were younger either?" Dean sighed and continued to stroke him. It was calming and Castiel smiled a little in his arms.

"No, I've always been different and I had and have it really difficult in social situations as you may know." Castiel sighed and cuddled closer to Dean. "Everything with father affected me too probably."

Dean nodded and stayed silent for a while. The only things that they could hear were each other's breathing and laughter from a distance. Silence could be awkward but this wasn't. It was comfortable and it felt like they were closer now than never before. The silence didn't need to be filled with meaningless talk as before.

"But you know you have me now. You will never be without someone. I know it sounds cheesy but yeah..." Dean broke the silence after the while and he looked down at Castiel. "I may not be the best one on talking and shit like that but I'm always here." He smiled a little and Castiel nodded with a small smile as he looked up at him.

"Don't worry, Dean. You've helped me a lot."

"I'm glad I have." Dean sighed lightly and lied back down on his pillow and relaxed. His body softened slightly more and Castiel laid his hand on his chest. He had to stand against the urge to trail his fingers over it.

"Dean?" Castiel said after a while and looked up at him. Dean looked down on him and smiled a little.

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever… have you ever felt something for someone?" He asked quietly and chewed nervously on his lip.

"Ehm I guess so… or what do you mean, Cas?" Dean sighed lightly with a small smile.

"Like loved someone?"

"I don't know." Dean sighed. "It's… without sounding all cheesy again a very strong feeling." He chuckled a little. "Like my dad… he really loved mom so I always compare with that even if I maybe won't find a relationship like he had with mom but I will be glad if I find something close." He frowned a little and Castiel could see sadness flash in his eyes as always when Dean started to think about his family. Castiel knew how much it meant to him even if he never really had said it out loud. His brother was really his everything and he envied him in a way because of that. Castiel had no one right now. His family didn't mean much for him more that they were related in blood.

"Sorry, Dean." Castiel smiled sadly at him and now couldn't stand against the urge to stroke his chest but Dean didn't seem to mind it. He smiled back at him and stroked his back.

"It's okay." Dean sighed. "We should get some sleep now."

Castiel nodded and closed his eyes. Peacefully he fell asleep with his head safe on Dean's chest. Maybe even his nightmares could get some rest this night.

* * *

**So yeah… This chapter got done far after what I had scheduled for myself. It's at least done now. Wohoo! I hope you liked it and leave a review over what you thought about it.**


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